Hi, My Name Is New York City, and I'm an Alcoholic

This just in: the besotted denizens of New York City spend their weekends tippling! That's right... some genius in the City Health Department had to do a study in order to determine that people living in a town wherein the bars remain open until 4:00 A.M. tend to binge drink. Really? Next you're gonna tell me that Chicago residents tend to eat more sausage on average.

Apparently Greenwich Village and Chelsea are the drunkest, but those stroller-pushing lesbos in Park Slope are close behind! Don't they know it's unsafe to drink and adopt?? As an admitted (and semi-pro) binge drinker, I salute the pan-racial, pan-gender communion offered by our collective drinking problem. Now we just have to ask ourselves the burning question...



The management is happy to provide you with the following self-diagnostic questionnaire to help determine whether you are a problem drinker.

1. Before going out to drink, do you frequently have a few beers (and/or cocktails) in order to "save money at the bar?"

2. Do you know the weekly schedule of drink specials at your local watering hole?

3. Does your name appear on any plaques/trophies/banners in this establishment? Are any house specialties named after you?

4. In the past year, have you woken up in bed with someone you'd never met before the previous evening?

5. In the past year, have you woken up in bed with someone you had no memory of meeting the previous evening?

6. The DJ played a song you like. Did you yell "Fucking awesome!!"?

7. After a night out, does the following day typically begin with an "eye opener" or "hair of the dog"? An old-style raw egg and ice bag on the head? Sunset? Shepishly discharging yourself from the hospital? A bail hearing? Frantic attempts to say, "I am an American and I need to get home" in Spanish/French Canadian?

8. Couldn't you use a stiff drink right about now?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you are, at the very least, a problem binge drinker. The shame should dissipate in a few moments. If the shame persisits, two to three cocktails should drive the shame away. If you don't live in New York City, you should move there immediately. If you do, please contact the management immediately. I'm not doing anything tonight, and Barcade has 25-cent video games and $4 pints of Yeungling.